Caught in the Not-Yet-Net

No, the Not-yet-net is not the newest Arabic word I've learned, it's what Cheryl and I (and lots of others) are very caught in and struggling to get out of. Almost everyday, at the end of the day, Cheryl and I "share" with each other to what degree we are frustrated about our current situation(s). It's not that we are complainy people, Cheryl is especially not, it's something else. It is our sense of having a sense of purpose in this world (this Creation and kingdom), wanting to be actively working out that purpose and....then having the clarity and urgency of that sense spin into impatient frustration.

For Cheryl, I cannot begin to measure or explain all that we're frustrated with. Just in her job she is under-utilized, abused and not able to see or enjoy any progress or good that she brings her kids. Yes those kids need and deserve (??) a great counselor like her, but does it have to be her? What good is it really to have her spending her days with kids who have no interest in speaking with her or making any sort of progress in their own or their families' lives? To me, and to Cheryl, it seems she is being miserably wasted. Why is she just filling shoes and an office? She is built for something else, that is certain--there is no sensible explanation for the fact that she is not doing that now. There are descriptions of the reality she and I face now ("it's mysterious preparation," "there is a hidden/greater/good reason," "I don't know, but God does"), but those are not explanations and have little energizing or comforting ability. We know what is going on, but we neither understand or agree with it. I'm sick of seeing a screwdriver used as a hammer...especially when my wife is that screwdriver.

For me, having come so close to being able to pursue a phd now and do what I really feel I'm "built for" is difficult to carry. Descriptions are everywhere, but I have yet to come close to any explanation. One of my strongest frustrations with Christianity these days is its attempt to rationalize the economic (or any other) situation as individuals find themselves in it--encouraging humility, service, patience and so forth. It is suggested that the difficulties that Christians find themselves in these days are somehow a part of God's plan for them and the Church to shape, mold and use them in the future. The problems with that abound, but the major one is: difficulty and life-purpose fulfillment are not opposed, they usually coincide. If difficulty were terminal in design implementation, then we have a real problem with most of the characters in Scripture. We find, however, that life is 1) most difficult for God's people, 2) most difficult when God's will is attended to and 3) made more difficult by sin and alleviated by righteousness.

Chaos, disconnectedness and dead ends are not a part of God's pleasure and design for His Creation; I feel no guilt for being sickened by Cheryl's and my experience of it in our lives. Having had glimpses of the beauty of Eden, of shalom, of what things were and are to be, we are simply anxious beyond words to do our jobs and work on behalf of His creation. It may be God-ordained, but everything that precedes that or impedes that in our lives is nonsense and should be avoided and detested. Otherwise, complacency and numbness are all too quick to cripple.